I sat there contemplating whether it was best to delete her contact details from my phonebook, cut her off and move on or not. That was my friend and I had hurt her. Although I had realised my mistake and I had apologised several times, yet she didn’t budge. Instead, she created a wall. Then I got to the point where I had to choose whether to allow guilt and regret to hang me and snuff out joy from my heart or choose to break away from the toxicity to keep my peace and sanity. I must admit that trying to figure out the best way to respond to that experience was pretty difficult for me because I was the offender.
It was a silent battle until I heard a familiar voice ask me, “how will you reach her if God instructs you to send her a message after you have deleted the contact details?” What do you think will happen when she finds out what you have done? Now, do you think I will be justified to say, well, tough luck! After all, she is the one rejecting me because I made a mistake?
This world is broken. Human nature is fallible and people will always have differences. We will always make mistakes and disagree with one another simply because we perceive things differently and are wired differently. Also, to be able to give up being right requires maturity, humility and brokenness. But for the most part, everyone can choose how to respond to people in various situations.
Some people will choose to be offended over things others can’t even control, such as their personalities, race or tribe, intellectual abilities, etc. Others will just choose to dislike people for no reason at all.
Which is exactly what Jesus went through with His own townsmen. They were mad at Him for being the profoundly wise and powerful young man He had become! They were offended that the carpenter’s son they had known previously could speak as One with true authority. They just could not wrap their heads around the idea neither could they accept Him. And so they REJECTED HIM. Yet, He had done absolutely nothing wrong to deserve that! Unfortunately for them, they missed out on His goodness, graciousness and love because of their disdain for Him as well as their unbelief.
In the same way, whoever decides to reject you for being you, will really miss out on the beautiful things God has put inside you, and that’s their loss! God created us to relate and connect with one another and no one should do life alone but it will be futile to constantly try to be in everyone’s good books and seek to earn their approval all the time. It won’t happen no matter how hard you try.
So, what do you do to mend broken relationships to keep the bond of peace like the Bible instructs, but the other person is unwilling to call a truce?
Here are my thoughts. First of all, there is no one who will have every relationship work out perfectly every time. We will keep learning and growing till the day we die. Plus, it’ll be easier if we allow our Helper, HolySpirit, to lead and guide us each time.
Many times, we are careless with our thoughts(which become our words) and actions and we hurt our friends, family and acquittances. Sometimes we realise our mistakes and try to make amends. Other times, we go all “heady and stubborn” on our Helper. We refuse to yield to His instruction to call the truce first. Oh nooo! How can that be? He/she was wrong, why should I be the one to apologise first? I am older, I am his/her superior in every respect, why should I stoop so low? And the justification list goes on. To what end will those lines of thoughts be if we are being honest with ourselves? Is it more important to be right than to honour God?
Let’s think about it for a moment, there is NOTHING we can ever do to earn the love of God! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!! Yet, He lavishes it on us, on our best days and on our worst days. He never holds it back because human existence is doomed if He does! He never stops loving. He never stops giving!
Now, if a human brain can neither fathom how God’s love works nor justify His reasons for giving us unending second chances, why then does His command need to make sense to us? The command to give love and grace to people from an overflow of the abundance we already receive from Him? Why do we desperately need to justify our “inability” to let go and mend broken fences in relationships? Hmmm, my conclusion is this, only a humble and broken man/woman will do that even when they don’t understand.
The flip side could be that someone has been unable to get past something you’ve done to hurt or betray them in the past. And as a result, they have put their guards up against you and have shut you out of “their space” because they don’t want you to hurt them again. They are convinced that creating boundaries or even cutting the offenders off completely will alleviate such headaches and drama in future.
Again, it comes to a matter of CHOICE. We cannot control how people choose to respond to our mistakes. Our place is to humbly learn from those experiences and make amends while also forgiving ourselves so we can get a chance to heal and evolve into better versions of ourselves.
However, if I am choosing to keep my guards and defences up because someone struck a hurtful chord in my heart’s strings, then it is only fair I remember that the anger, pride and bitterness that makes me stay away deserves to be punished by God. And that is because those things are unrighteousness and every unrighteousness or wrongdoing is sin! (1 John 5:17). Meanwhile if fear is my excuse, I can choose to reject it and refuse to live by its rule as well because fear isn’t from God either!
I am not suggesting that there won’t be misunderstandings and differences in opinions, ideologies, beliefs and perspectives, in our relationships sometimes. Neither am I implying that certain relationships won’t have a “sandpaper” effect on us, whether they are just acquaintances or even close family relations. Not at all. Instead, I implore and encourage that we consider all these things from perspectives a little different from ours.
It is worth considering, that a person’s experiences, upbringing, personality, mindset, physical, mental and emotional states of mind and even belief system, will all contribute to how he or she will respond to people and situations. Everyone alive is still on a journey. We’re all work in progress. That person may have changed from 5 years ago when you had that squabble with them. In the same way, you may find that you have outgrown certain mindsets and behaviours yourself over time as well.
And that is exactly how the world works! We stumble, pick up ourselves, learn, heal and keep moving. And just as we grow and learn and change, others do too. So let’s make room in our hearts to allow people to grow too because there won’t be growth if there are no mistakes to learn from.
Also worthy of note, is the fact that we do not have the capacity to change people. We may be able to inspire them, but we certainly can’t change anyone. All we have been instructed to do is to love, accept, forgive and pray for them even when they hurt or betray us. That’s our part.
To be able to do these is a sign of growing maturity in our relationships. In other words, the more mature we become, the more we are able to give up our need to be right. The more we will be able to make excuses for people and the less we will criticize and judge them for everything they do!
We also don’t have to be right all the time you know, neither do we have to say “everything” all the time. People often argue because they desperately need the listener to agree with or at least understand their point of view. But I submit that, it’s not a NEED. We can let it go!
What could be further from the truth than to assume that we understand every aspect of any situation? The possibilities of any situation are endless. For example, we cannot see what is really in anyone’s heart, all we would know is what they reveal.
Therefore, it will be impossible to have a complete picture of every situation. There will always be some information or knowledge we can’t access or understand even if we tried! Acknowledging this fact can help us avoid hastily judging or criticizing people and even comparing them with others.
I believe that offences are part of relationships and people will hurt us as we would them, never mind if unintentional or not. The choice of how we would respond is really ours to make. What would it be?
If someone hurts me, I’d have to remember that I am not responsible for what they have done. However, I need to be willing to take responsibility for how I choose to respond to them. A good question to ask every time we struggle to keep the bond of peace with someone is, “What would Jesus do if He were in my shoes?”
And If I am the one who has hurt someone, will I get stuck trying to justify my words or actions? Do I apologise just for the sake of it? Or will I get on the train of guilt-tripping and regret rather than genuinely making amends, learning from it, and giving myself the chance to heal and move on as a better friend?
Nevertheless, just as a married couple learns to accept each other and to get along in spite of their differences. Being willing to grow in love through patience for each other is all that will matter in the end. Let us not allow people’s faults to deprive us of peace with ourselves and with God.
GOD CAN CHANGE HEARTS AND HELP PEOPLE GROW & EVOLVE INTO LOVE BEINGS!
SO PRAY WITH ME
Father, thank you for loving me. You love me despite me, always extending your grace towards me as often as I fall & fail, and never give up on me! Please help me learn to receive your own true and perfect love. To learn to share it with others even when I’m being vulnerable and hurt. I ask for a willing and humble heart in Jesus’ name. Amen!!!
Love & Blessings folks,
SHALOM!